Reading Reading Reading

Micah has always loved reading. He will sit and read book after book after book until you say it is time to stop. Jane hasn't always been as interested but she is more now. She still mostly prefers to read by herself versus having one of us read to her, though that is beginning to change now. The one time of day she will always sit and have a book read to her is before nap. Right now she is going through a phase where she likes to read the same book everyday for what seems like weeks at a time. So far the books have been, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, The Very Busy Spider, The View at the Zoo, Green Hat Blue Hat, The Tooth Book, Doggies and now back to The View at the Zoo. Which means I pretty much have those books memorized. But it is these little things I know some day I will miss. Now we just keep reading and reading and reading.

38 weeks

Tueday I was 38 weeks which means the baby could come at anytime. We have the hospital bag packed and it is funny to think back to the bag we had for Micah's birth. It was probably at least twice the size we have packed now. I guess by the third time we have learned what we actually need and use while at the hospital. Though we have also learned that there will always be something different and something we weren't expecting.

At 38 weeks of a pregnancy that has been harder then the other two (though still easy compared to some) I am wondering if this baby boy will come early unlike the other two who were late. I have tried to by ready with all the practical necessesities for awhile knowing full well there will always be some project I wanted to complete that I didn't get to. At this point most the projects are ones that are sitting down which is good because at this point I can't be on my feet long. Thankfully for the most part I am still sleeping well. I'm usually just up once for the bathroom. I have had some insomina once back in bed, just wide awake unable to get back to sleep. Most nights I just stay in bed, one night I did take advange of the time and was up sewing in the middle of the night. Haha.

I am going to the doctor once a week and everything is looking good. This week I measuredat 38cm, last week was 39cm. The baby is definitely moving around and effecting those measurements a bit. He has dropped lower but not quite all the way down. My blood pressure is still great and the baby's heart rate is where it should be. At this point I have gained about 26 pounds. The next appointment is in a couple days and I always look forward to hearing the baby's heart and hearing him move around. I certainly feel him move!

Jane is 2

 Jane had her two year old check up on Thursday. She did really well, though not much talking and she refused to open her mouth for the doctor. She weighs 25.6 pounds and is 35 inches tall. I don't remember the specific percentiles but both were about average. 

Jane at two is so much fun and it is great seeing more of her personality come out. Some of the play she enjoys the most certainly show she is a girl, she really enjoys coloring and playing with her babies. But with an older brother she still likes to play with cars and trucks. She enjoys playing with Micah too. It is fun to start to see them playing together in their own pretend play or just chasing each other around laughing. We get a little moment of snuggling in the morning before Jane will ask for breakfast. She likes to eat almost as soon as she wakes up, which typically around 6:30. She will also take a nap at 1:00 for two to two and half hours and then bedtime is between 7:00 and 7:30. Jane is still just attached to her blanket as she has been. When she is tired she will hold it up to her face covering her mouth and nose. She likes to be involved in most everything I'm doing, as well as what Micah is doing and she does not like to be left behind. What fun she is and I can't wait to see her as a big sister.

Certainly love this girl.

34 Weeks

Week 34 and I am definitely feeling pregnant now. Everything is much harder to do. My energy level is decreasing too,  mainly because it takes so much energy to accomplish anything. Nesting has certainly begun, I've been anxious to get all the baby things ready and making a variety of things for the baby. As well as preparing the house and completing projects before the arrival. At my doctor's appointment I was measuring at 35cm and have gained about 24 pounds. The baby was doing well, he was moving around so his heart rate was at 155. I will go back in two weeks and then will be in every week. We are nearing the end, which is so crazy.

Micah is 4

First can I be permitted to be shocked at how quickly each year goes by and that I now have a four year old! That can't really be can it!? Well it is and Micah is fun at four. The stories we get from him are hilarious but the best part about them is is how animated he gets.

 

How old are you?..... four

What is your favorite color?....blue

What is your favorite toy?....my gator

What is your favorite fruit?....grapes

What is your favorite this to eat for lunch?....mac and cheese

What is your favorite thing to wear?....work pants and carhartts

 What is your favorite game?....boat game

What is your favorite animal?....alligator

What is your favorite song?....he made up a song that went something like this "oh oh oh I like lions"

What is your favorite book?....horton

What is your favorite snack?....bar

What is your favorite thing to do outside?....ride my big gator

What is your favorite thing to drink?....orange juice

What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast?....honey nut cheerios

What is your favorite thing to do with Mommy?....go on a trip

What is your favorite thing to do with Papa?....climb a mountain

What is your favorite thing to do with Jane?....build castles

Who is your best friend?....

What do you liek to take to bed with you at night?....nothing

What do you want for dinner on your birthday?....meat and cheese and crackers and a little bit of candy

What do you want to do for work?....put away wood

What do you want to be when you grow up?....a worker and a cowboy and a horse rider 

30 Weeks

Week 30 is here (now week 31). Even though it isn't officially a milestone other then now I go to the doctor every two weeks, I always feel like I have reached some sort of benchmark. I am still feeling pretty good. Sleeping is getting more uncomfortable but I haven't had to consistently get up to use the bathroom during that night, which is so nice. I am still experiencing SI joint pain, but it is manageable and a blessing that the really painful days are few and far between. Praying that that continues. Everything was still looking good at my doctor appointment. My weight gain seems to be about the same so far as the other kids, I've gained 23 pounds. Though I was measuring a little bigger, I measured at 32cm, typically you measure in centimeters as you are in weeks. Nothing of concern at this point. I am starting to feel limits in what I can do now because of my size and energy. But I try not to use being pregnant as an excuse to not do things and remain active. And speaking of active this boy seems to be pretty active, especially in the evenings. He moves around a lot and not just kicking but the arms and head or perhaps it is his hands up by his face. Either way I will feel him moving all around. It can be uncomfortable at times but it does make me look forward to seeing those movements when he arrives. 

He Makes Everything Beautiful

I think it is time to share some not so good news. But I feel if God is to use this beyond me it needs to be shared. At the end of last year I had a miscarriage, this month we would be welcoming a new little one into this world. I wasn't very far along but it was still the loss of one of our children, a unique person with an individual soul. It has left a void in my life, and pain I will always feel.

Those first few days have been some of the hardest days I have had to walk through. At times the sorrow was so overwhelming it left me with almost the complete inability to move. Some of my strongest feelings at first were a longing to hold my baby and sweetly whisper in their ear how much I love them. I was full of pain but my faith and trust in God was not and is not shaken. Satan might have wanted and tried to use this to break me down but God used it for my growth and to draw me to Himself. I do not understand His ways but I know He is sovereign and all things work together for His glory. He is a very present help in times of trouble. And he sees so much more than we can. I have great peace knowing our souls are eternal and in Heaven I will meet our little one. What a great day that will be, to be in the presence of the King and get to hold my baby! Now I know God is holding my baby in His arms and His arms are full of perfect love. And my baby will never experience the troubles of this world. Through those first days I found this poem online that so perfectly fit my emotions.

  My eyes long to see you;
        Now you behold Him.
    My arms ache for you;
        Now you know perfect love.
    My ears yearn for your voice;
        Now you sing His praises.
    I desire to feed you;
        Now you will never know hunger.
    I anticipated the pitter-patter of your feet;
        Now you play at His pierced ones.
    I dreamed of years of love and laughter;
        Now you will never know pain.
    I longed to watch you grow and develop;
        Now you are perfect.
    This isn't how I planned;
       But I know He loves you.
            -Monique Stam

During those days I clung to the promises found in God's Word. "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10). When I experienced those times when my strength was gone I knew by reading, and now I know from experience that God provides the strength exactly when it is needed in His wisdom. It is because of these difficult moments that my trust is built in Him. He knows where the days lead and knows what I need for each moment of every day better than I do. I also know that "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wound." (Psalm 147:3). My faith tells me that God understands, more than anyone, the pain I am feeling, He counts my tears and He will heal my broken heart.

A couple weeks after losing our baby I began to struggle with why this happened. I did not question the Lord's sovereignty and goodness, I just didn't understand why we had to loss a baby, a life before it was lived. I know this is something this side of heaven I will never fully understand and I prayed that my heart would know that. Life is full of joy but at the time I wondered and prayed that I could see that and be that again. I now know joy makes the suffering possible and suffering makes the joy more beautiful. There came a point in reading a book, (Beautiful Battlefields by Bo Stern) that I realized that it is easy in this life and in this country to confuse a lack of suffering with God’s unconditional love. As the author stated, “We can’t question His love for us because we’re in a battle. Rather, we rejoice in His love that walks us through the battle. His love shows up when we think we can’t keep going. He comes to our hurting and He pours out His compassion. Sometimes it’s through His Word, sometimes it’s through the voice of a friend, and sometimes it’s just a supernatural infusion of joy when there’s no earthly reason we should feel it.” God is so good in His healing and bringing of comfort, peace and joy.

Shortly after this struggle, of why the Lord showed me Ecclesiastes 3:11 which says, "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." It is hard to see or even imagine beauty coming from this, but through my faith and what I have experienced and know of God I know that He will bring beauty in my life from this. I pray that this will also be used to bring Him glory. The scripture in Ecclesiastes has grown my heart and longing for eternity, for this world is not my true home.

There are times I still experience sadness, as I think I always will, the sorrow is no longer overpowering. I will always miss our baby, nothing will replace the loss of that person. I will always wonder about our baby, their gender, their personality, their future. But I rejoice knowing our little one is in heaven with the God of love and the King and Kings. Who is so perfect in the comfort and healing He provides that despite the loss and the void left in my life I see and experience joy, and that is only because of and through His work in my life.