I think it is time to share some not so good news. But I feel if God is to use this beyond me it needs to be shared. At the end of last year I had a miscarriage, this month we would be welcoming a new little one into this world. I wasn't very far along but it was still the loss of one of our children, a unique person with an individual soul. It has left a void in my life, and pain I will always feel.
Those first few days have been some of the hardest days I have had to walk through. At times the sorrow was so overwhelming it left me with almost the complete inability to move. Some of my strongest feelings at first were a longing to hold my baby and sweetly whisper in their ear how much I love them. I was full of pain but my faith and trust in God was not and is not shaken. Satan might have wanted and tried to use this to break me down but God used it for my growth and to draw me to Himself. I do not understand His ways but I know He is sovereign and all things work together for His glory. He is a very present help in times of trouble. And he sees so much more than we can. I have great peace knowing our souls are eternal and in Heaven I will meet our little one. What a great day that will be, to be in the presence of the King and get to hold my baby! Now I know God is holding my baby in His arms and His arms are full of perfect love. And my baby will never experience the troubles of this world. Through those first days I found this poem online that so perfectly fit my emotions.
My eyes long to see you;
Now you behold Him.
My arms ache for you;
Now you know perfect love.
My ears yearn for your voice;
Now you sing His praises.
I desire to feed you;
Now you will never know hunger.
I anticipated the pitter-patter of your feet;
Now you play at His pierced ones.
I dreamed of years of love and laughter;
Now you will never know pain.
I longed to watch you grow and develop;
Now you are perfect.
This isn't how I planned;
But I know He loves you.
-Monique Stam
During those days I clung to the promises found in God's Word. "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10). When I experienced those times when my strength was gone I knew by reading, and now I know from experience that God provides the strength exactly when it is needed in His wisdom. It is because of these difficult moments that my trust is built in Him. He knows where the days lead and knows what I need for each moment of every day better than I do. I also know that "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wound." (Psalm 147:3). My faith tells me that God understands, more than anyone, the pain I am feeling, He counts my tears and He will heal my broken heart.
A couple weeks after losing our baby I began to struggle with why this happened. I did not question the Lord's sovereignty and goodness, I just didn't understand why we had to loss a baby, a life before it was lived. I know this is something this side of heaven I will never fully understand and I prayed that my heart would know that. Life is full of joy but at the time I wondered and prayed that I could see that and be that again. I now know joy makes the suffering possible and suffering makes the joy more beautiful. There came a point in reading a book, (Beautiful Battlefields by Bo Stern) that I realized that it is easy in this life and in this country to confuse a lack of suffering with God’s unconditional love. As the author stated, “We can’t question His love for us because we’re in a battle. Rather, we rejoice in His love that walks us through the battle. His love shows up when we think we can’t keep going. He comes to our hurting and He pours out His compassion. Sometimes it’s through His Word, sometimes it’s through the voice of a friend, and sometimes it’s just a supernatural infusion of joy when there’s no earthly reason we should feel it.” God is so good in His healing and bringing of comfort, peace and joy.
Shortly after this struggle, of why the Lord showed me Ecclesiastes 3:11 which says, "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." It is hard to see or even imagine beauty coming from this, but through my faith and what I have experienced and know of God I know that He will bring beauty in my life from this. I pray that this will also be used to bring Him glory. The scripture in Ecclesiastes has grown my heart and longing for eternity, for this world is not my true home.
There are times I still experience sadness, as I think I always will, the sorrow is no longer overpowering. I will always miss our baby, nothing will replace the loss of that person. I will always wonder about our baby, their gender, their personality, their future. But I rejoice knowing our little one is in heaven with the God of love and the King and Kings. Who is so perfect in the comfort and healing He provides that despite the loss and the void left in my life I see and experience joy, and that is only because of and through His work in my life.
